Through Hollow Lands and Hilly Lands

So yesterday was my farewell party, but there is not that much to be said about it. It was wonderful, of course, but nothing particularly unexpected happened. And for all that I am spending my days in packing and cleaning and closing and saying farewell, 実感がない – I cannot comprehend, cannot get my mind to realize that in three days I will be gone. That I will not be able to call おはようございます to the ever-late Kumihashi-san, or grin at Takatoku-san as she takes tea from the cabinet beside me, or pour Nihonshu for Oouchi-san while we are both gleefully saying “shehshehshehsheh” (actually, I think he’s trying to say “xie xie”, but … yeah). It just isn’t believable. Why should life not continue as it has for untold days? How can such a great uprooting truly happen? I don’t think I felt this way when I came here – I felt terribly sad about leaving of course, but I understood that I was leaving. Here… it doesn’t make any sense. Did a year really pass? Haven’t I been here all my life?

On Wednesday I will wake up and I will be in a bed, and I will never see this futon again. I will never again kneel carefully on my tatami or slip gingerly into the ofuro or grumble at people leaving their clothes in the dryer. And in a month or two my bench will pass on and my reagents be marked with a new name and all my little markings, all the signs of my existence, will vanish. No more flowers, no more nomikai, no more meals in the cafeteria. Yet though I say these things I cannot accept them. I cannot picture my life, all these things gone missing.

How can I not return here? Takatoku-san makes it particularly hard, saying 「就職しないね？ずっと一緒に仕事したいよ」 (“Come back and get a job here, okay? I want to work with you forever”). Kumihashi-san told me, though (in rough translation), “You can do whatever you want. I’ve seen you, and the things you want to do, you accomplish. So if you want to come back here, you can; and I’ll be very happy (to be exact, 幸せ) to have the chance to be with you again. But do what you want to do, and don’t say things like “I’m useless” and don’t think so low of yourself. Maybe in a couple of years you’ll come back here and I’ll say “Sensei” and you’ll say “I am here to give a lecture”, hm?” And when I said to them, “I want to come back, but I don’t know if I can stay here forever.” They said, “It’s alright, do what makes you happy. It’s not a betrayal. All we want is for you to do the things you want to do, the thing that would make you happiest.”

But I don’t know! The things I want to do are too manifold and too dear. I would love, love, love to come back. The reason is, though, that I can’t imagine life without coming back – and that’s a poor rationale. After I am home it’ll fade away, I suppose, and I will build yet another new year for myself. But… how can I not come back? This is my home. Here is kinship, here all the qualities I admire are held dear, here I myself am held dear. (I truly cannot understand it. Oouchi-san says things like 「優秀すぎる」 and Hachiya-san wrote in my album “I have never met a smarter person” – he’s a Ph.D. for christ’s sake – how is the wool so pulled over their eyes? I know none of it is true, because certainly no one thinks this of me at home. Decent grades I have, maybe, but “never a smarter person”? Come on. But I haven’t done anything so impressive here at all – incidentally, I just found out the best part of my work this year got published by Dr. Matsunami – grah! If only the paper had been a month later I could have lived in blissful ignorance – now I feel like I’ve just been a huge waste of time for the company =( – where was I? Right, anyways, I haven’t done anything very special or mentally taxing. So I cannot understand these people, at all.)

Back to the point. Life is wonderful here. I’m happy, and I am doing good work, and living independently, and loving and being loved. It doesn’t make sense not to come back to this. But there are a thousand things I dream of doing, and perhaps they will lead me to joyful places too. It’s alright. There’s a little time still. A summer of iGEM (for which, huzzah, I have been accepted as a paid team member), two terms of school. Another summer, which…I am considering some plans for, but I’ll say no more till I am decided. I will think on things. Life is very long, and there is a lot of space in it.

It is a bit odd for me to be writing about my onsen trip before the wedding, but the latter will benefit much more from me having pictures to pass around. And I think this is probably the best time I’ve had since I came here, although hopefully that will not be true in a few more weeks.

We fled the lab at 3PM on Friday (it is awesome when your boss is one of the people coming along for weekend fun): Me, Takatoku-san, and Kumihashi-san in his (wife’s) car, and Fukagawa-san and Iwamura-san (she told us that she doesn’t mind going by her maiden name since that’s what all of us know her as and it would just be terribly confusing anyways; incidentally, I can’t believe they’ve only actually been married for a week) with Oouchi-san in his car. Kumihashi-san remarked with dismay that having Oouchi-san driving behind us would probably lead to him getting called out in the traffic safety meeting on Monday (incidentally, Kasamatsu-san was in an accident last week and I’ve learned now why it seemed like such a horrible thing, apparently our lab was two months short of being 2 years accident-free. Poor guy =/). The drive passed without incident, though, although there were some stretches of somewhat awkward silence. I’ve become less and less comfortable with Kumihashi-san somehow; maybe it’s the fact that after “you are the best intern” there’s nowhere to go but down. Or maybe there’s a net sum of awesome in my life, because my relationship with Takatoku-san has been improving immensely recently. The weather was splendid, especially considering it has been hovering around 9 to 10 degrees for the past week – it was up to 26 yesterday!

Anyways, we arrived at about 5PM and were treated to a tour of the ryokan (Japanese hotel). I guess I’ve never really stayed in a fancy hotel, cause I was very impressed with all the attention and concern they lavished on us. We drank some tea and chatted a little bit and then headed for the lovely ofuro (baths)! And oh they were lovely indeed. I regret that there was no cold bath, because my usual onsen strategy involves a lot of alternating (I’m not so good with hot water), but anyways everyone was similarly weak so it was all fine. For us there were two women-only baths, one indoors and one outdoors (there should have been one more but it was closed because there was still snow/ice on the steps up, alas) and the mixed bath, which was in the centre of the “river” – not that you could actually tell it apart from any typical ofuro, disappointingly. Also, the mixed bath was a total cop-out, because we were told to go in wearing towels, and keep them on even in the water, so it really wasn’t very different except for having to see a lot of naked, shameless ojisan/old men.

After we got out, we put on our yukata, meeting Takatoku-san and Saito-san (!) and her kids (!!) going in on our way out. (Takatoku-san later regaled us with her horror of seeing one of the aforementioned shameless ojisan. She was unexpectedly nervous about the mixed-bathing, while Iwamura-san was conversely unexpectedly just like me and pretty unconcerned with any sort of body-baring at all). I should append the fact that Saito-san has two girls, Ayaho (3 or 4) and Ayuka (6 months), but gods this narrative is very scattered. I’m sorry, I’m rather a stream-of-consciousness writer when it comes to relating stories.

Dinner was at 6:30, and I sat with Saito-san and Oouchi-san and Kumihashi-san, which was pretty fun. The first two are good at English anyways, although I didn’t use it that much (and there was a terrible face-palm moment where Oouchi-san said something to me in English, Saito-san said “I didn’t hear, what did he say,” and without thinking I translated it for her into Japanese. Terrible, absolutely terrible.). Saito-san’s kids were pretty cute, and I was deeply envious of how easily everyone got along with them. Fukagawa-san taught Ayaho how to make onigiri (and taught me afterwards too, and it’s actually really fun) and Kumihashi-san made faces at Ayuka and man. I am definitely not cut out to be a parent, so it’s just as well I don’t really have much desire to be one.

Oouchi-san had to give the kanpai speech three times that evening, because Toda-san and Nakamura-san couldn’t leave work early (they are the temps), and Moriguchi-san and Sakaguchi-san were stuck in a group meeting till 6 or 7. He gave the same toast each time, though, which was the opening lines of the one he’d memorized for Kumihashi-san’s wedding. Oouchi-san: quality speechmaking. (I kid, because I love him.) The food was very tasty, although it was rather in keeping with “fancy food = something no sane person would actually think of growing/digging up/cutting out of an animal/etc. and eating”.

There was a moment when I sat back for a moment, looked down the table at these 12 people drinking and talking and laughing, people who are my friends – forget you, dude who thinks I can’t become friends with someone just cause I can’t have complicated/intellectual conversations with them – and have become so in such a scant number of months (I have only known Nakamura-san for two!) – and it feels like I have been here for such a short time, and simultaneously like I have been here forever – and, though it is maybe a strange and not entirely fair thought, I said fervently to myself, I love Japanese people. There was just something about the strength of goodwill and fellow-feeling in the room, among people who really don’t have that much in common aside from being at the same company, and about how sincere they all are and how much they care for and love each other and how I have never seen a single one of them act the least bit angry or self-centred or rude or anything less than a gentle, generous, kind, and caring soul to every single other person they meet.

Anyways, that’s not a fair diagnosis, because company dudes are a rather select group and my group is the awesomest ever. There are just as many cranky and distasteful Japanese people as there are any other nationality, I’m sure. But I will miss this very much. I have often thought that Japan values homogeneity and hates outsiders so much because the Japanese system is so very easily taken advantage of, broken, by just a single person refusing to play along. Being a proper polite Japanese handcuffs one, leaves you vulnerable, but when it is done in concert few things are more rewarding. It can be exhausting to try and keep up with my group, to stay hyper-aware and “read the atmosphere” and to keep from putting oneself above another. I fail very often, most notably in my inability to stay awake in a moving car despite being in the front seat. Shitsurei. ><

Incidentally, dinner was chokc full of drinking - between me, Kumihashi-san, and Oouchi-san, we finished two bottles of Nihonshu (sake), although I think it was mostly Kumihashi-san. At some point he asked me if I had some dastardly motivation for making him drink so much, but even if I had, it would probably have backfired, because he ended up sleeping really early that night and being pretty hungover all day today - but anyways, I will get to that later. I love sake (and nothing else =/) way too much, but not drinking alone, so I'll probably miss this quite a bit when I am home again. Oh well, oh well.

After dinner, we headed to the ofuro again quickly. When we entered the mixed bath, spying from above the girls noted that Oouchi-san and presumably the others (we could only see Oouchi-san) were in there, and totally chickened out. They told me to lead the way with Ayaho-chan, because I am totally shameless, although as I was 3/4 of the way there I turned around and saw that they still hadn't moved, but even my cajoling did nothing and I headed in, keeping my gaze firmly downward under the pretense of helping Ayaho-chan find her way on the rocks (to be honest, she poked me and said "silly, the stairs are over there“, but you know). I’m not lying when I say I am shameless, but I somehow think Oouchi-san and co. might feel a little awkward. Although, once safely behind a rock, I saw that they had their eyes averted, and then they left shortly afterwards anyways (Fukagawa-san speculated that we had driven them out). Still, not everyone gets to say that they’ve been naked in the same bath tub with their boss and their boss’ boss! I don’t have many things to be proud of, so let me at least have these odd ones, please?

Finally we all reconvened in the guys’ room for more drinking. Oouchi-san and Kumihashi-san were hogging all the Nihonshu so I stuck with a lemon-y thing resembling a cooler. I’d had pretty much enough anyways. Then we talked and talked a lot, although Oouchi-san and Kumihashi-san kept talking about work like the terribly boring people they are. I unexpectedly had a pretty fun time with Moriguchi-san, who’s been a pretty sad sack at all the other parties I’ve been to with him, and I also got to sit next to Takatoku-san so that was wonderful. She is so wonderful. I will probably miss her even more than Kumihashi-san, I think. But ranking is meaningless, because I will miss them all as much as it is possible to miss people. I got a taste of that in my first weeks here and I am not looking forward to the days after I return home, at all. After a good deal of that, Oouchi-san brought quiet to the room and then started off on a very rambly discussion of issues with Rin-san, but somehow segued into making a speech about me… I will omit its contents here for the sake of shame, but it was very touching, and … it is just really nice to be appreciated. To be surrounded by so much loving-friendship. Although I was a little bummed that Kumihashi-san fell asleep halfway through (at which point Oouchi-san said, “I don’t know why that guy is sleeping. Next year I’m sending him to another department,” which made it worth it).

Then we departed (it was about 2AM) and I figured we’d be going to bed, but then it turned out that for some reason Oouchi-san was totally awake and excited and he really wanted to play cards so we went back and played cards! Takatoku-san and Saitou-san went to bed, and Kumihashi-san was sound asleep in the same room, but the rest of us played a Japanese version of Big 2 (pretty fun, mostly because it’s actually extensible to >>4 people) for hours and Oouchi-san was utterly awesome the whole time. Most of the time he only talks to me about work, and though I’ve always known that a gleeful wonderful guy is behind that, I rarely get to actually hang out with him on my own. He lost pretty much every other game and was immensely hilarious doing it and everyone kept calling me Ame-chan which I always thrill to hear and Fukagawa-san was so nice and it was just a very lovely time. And it was the last; I don’t expect the next few gatherings to be anything less than excellent, but fleeing the company, staying the night, soaking in breathtaking heat and moonlight, forgetting all worries and cares and just breathing in the joy of good people… this was the last.

I have had my year of joy, of opulence (I’ve become far too used to living the life of the upper middle-class. Must relearn some measure of frugality), of love. I wonder what comes next, and I wonder what I have learned; sometimes it feels like not very much at all. I feel like I ought to have changed, but have not. All that has changed is that I now have more things to yearn for. Well, I have learned some things. I have learned about what adults live like! That is a big thing, actually. I have learned what it means to show hospitality, and to keep your house, and to raise your children, and to be modest in love, and to work with a will. And there is more, I am certain, but it is alright if I cannot seize them from out the deeper recesses of my character and pin them down with words.

There was more today, in short: a gift from Saito-san, alpaca ranch + awesome peruvian dude, ostrich for lunch, gelato/rusk/fresh-baked blueberry bread, rather disappointing not-really-about-trains not-really-a-museum-either place, and sushi for dinner. Maybe I’ll post about it some time, but judging by my track record that’s less than likely. Till the next time, though, farewell, and apologies for the rambling. This blog will be meeting its end soon enough, and mortality makes one cram life full.

Today I bid my Japanese teacher farewell (and also gave her my blog address when she asked, so if you are reading this, こんにちは、青木先生!). Slightly atypical, in that she will be leaving the country before I do (she is going to Italy for a month) but nonetheless a herald of the many more sad partings to come. But we will keep in touch, I hope, and I will someday return again.

DISREGARD THAT, I GOT AN INTERVIEW, AAAHHHHH HOORAY! (I may end up interviewing while dressed up for Kumihashi-san’s wedding which isn’t quite what they recommend for phone interviews but hopefully will be good enough.)

P.S. It always happens, as soon as I admit to myself that I don’t deserve something it comes to me. Always! Hence my entire “I suck” life outlook. See, at its roots, it’s entirely selfish, guys.

Interview is done like dinner. I think I did very poorly, way too many ums and so on; I should have prepared more beforehand. It was pretty awkward timing though, because they emailed me about the interview yesterday (5AM JST — 1PM PST); when I replied (at 7:40AM JST — 3:40 PM PST) with my available times, they didn’t send anything back, even by the time I went to sleep last night. On a random, blessed impulse I decided to set my alarm for 6:30 to check my email just in case – doing so, I got an email saying “we’ll be there at [7:00 am JST]!” ;_; So that was a slightly frantic morning. Anyways, we’ll see by next week. I hope, hope, hope. Mlrggg.

So I have fallen very behind in any sort of updates at all, evidently, and only Michael’s fiddling around with the site reminded me to not leave it to rot. What can I say? I have been busy (haven’t been home much earlier than 8 or 9 this past week) and I broke the Seinfeld rule and I am just not very good at being a blogger.

Yesterday I went to a farewell barbeque for me held by Ugajin-san, which was very tasty, and it was fun watching the kids show off their shotgun skills in Resident Evil 4. Incidentally, I thought Resident Evil was a Japanese game, but all the dialogue was in English, bafflingly. Today I had lunch with my shodo teacher because it is our second-last lesson, and then I went to Utsunomiya to get donuts on her recommendation. They kind of sucked, actually.

This is what life has been lately; things winding down, drawing to a close. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard or said あっという間に – “in the blink of an eye” – lately. Experiments are down from my frenetic pace of 4 plates a day, 5 subclonings a week, and reading papers beside, to just keeping my cells going and testing new serum batches once in a while. Lots of deskwork now, which is less than fun, especially since I seem to have forgotten how to write in English.

Kumihashi-san’s wedding is less than a week away, and I have duly gathered together the necessary accoutrements. After reading what seems like a hundred drama-laden questions about wedding gift-giving on Metafilter, I find myself very appreciative of the Japanese system, which is nice crisp bills in a pretty envelope. The amounts are defined according to age and relationship and location, even, so no worrying there. I will try to bring back pictures, and news. Hopefully I will not be out too late/drink too much, though, because the next day I am meeting someone whom I discovered by chance on Metafilter and turns out to be teaching English in the prefecture below mine, but originally hails from…wait for it…North Road, Burquitlam, BC, Canada! The tininess of the world fascinates.

Then the next week, I am going to a lovely-looking onsen (all in Japanese, I’m afraid) with the Kumihashi-sans and Takatoku-san and possibly Saitou-san (my old boss) + kids and Toda-san and Nakamura-san (the temps) and, amusingly, Oouchi-san, who invited himself after catching wind of it somehow. Kumihashi-san was terribly distraught (after all, he’s probably the only other guy going).

The week after, another barbeque and probably something else, or maybe buying omiyage if I can manage it (speaking of which: tell me if you want anything, please, because the sooner I know the better. If I don’t hear from you and I can’t find/think of a good gift you’re going to be getting food/mochi/etc.). And then my presentation on the 23rd, farewell party on the 24th, last shodo lesson on the 25th, and… it doesn’t bear thinking about.

There are things to look forward to. I have been thinking wistfully about my cats and delicious food and seeing all you lovely people again. But iGEM is stressing me out unnecessarily, which doesn’t much make me want to go home, and…I don’t know. I guess that I have built something of myself here, I am somehow (though I still cannot quite believe it) admired or appreciated, and it feels like going home will be starting all over again. And maybe there’s the nagging feeling that the standards here are too low, and once I’m home it will be full visible how terribly inferior I am to the average motivated go-getting extroverted grad-school-material undergraduate student.

It doesn’t matter though, I guess. I feel like I ought to go to grad school, I ought to go into research, all that, because I like science and because maybe I have a little bit of potential or whatever. If I can shed this egotism, if I can content myself with doing a nice boring job like washing glassware or data entry or…I’m really not qualified for very much at all, am I. Anyways. The point is, I will probably be happier once I get over myself, which really has always been true and so I’m not sure what value there even is in posting this.

It is spring, time for birth and setting off and flying free, but it feels more like an unrelenting crawl towards a final severance than anything else. (And every day, I ask myself, “Is this the day they will finally be disillusioned with me? Will they finally realize that I’m made of pretty poor stuff? I need to get out before that happens, need to go home soon…”) Gods, I sound much more emo than I really am. Let us just leave it at this: I am sad to go, but there are other lives to be lived. In the end the moments of pure unhesitating joy I’ve had here stand alone, and neither departure nor extension can in any minute way alter the truth of their existence. The year is dead; long live the year. To spring, my friends, and rebirth.

If you’re seeing this, we’re on the new host! :D K THX BB!!

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